TheLolaLetter

Daylight Savings Crime

2007-03-11T00:14:00.000-08:00

Daylight Savings is early this year. This does not bode well for the year 2007. Whose idea was that? Just to clarify our policy going forward, Ralph and T-Bones respectfully request your flexibility when expecting us for any upcoming appointments in the near future. And just thinking about it makes us sleepy. When will the cycle of sleepiness end? Who knows...we'll report back when we're ....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Weimaraner Wrangling

2007-02-11T22:04:00.000-08:00

I, Lolita Chiquita Margarita, have created a new sport called "Weimaraner Wrangling," which will premiere at the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing.

Fur (not Fir) is Flying During Xmas over P.Diddy's Stupidity: http://www.gothamist.com/archives/2006/12/23/that_faux_fur_a.php

2006-12-25T16:07:00.000-08:00

Ramsey, a prominent bicoastal (New York and Texas) Pomeranian is pictured yelling and screaming at his human being companion, Jane L., to "get your homo sapien personself over to wherever 'Shitty Diddy' is currently housing his sorry ass in NYC and throw a brick covered in my poop through his window NOW!!! I don't care if it's ChristmasDay!!!!"

Limited Edition Ralph Hat

2006-12-16T00:21:00.000-08:00

Need I say more?

Holy H2O !!!!!

2006-12-16T00:08:00.000-08:00

The T-Bowl Special Dog Created Toilet Bowl Water System can be yours (or more appropriately, your dog's unless you are a dog). Lookee here!!!! Do you know a dog that likes to drink water out of the toilet?? Or do you know a dog that should drink water out of the toilet??? Well, Holy H20, have we got a product for U. This is what we call the "T-Bowl," for short, and it's on special at none other than Ralphs, the store that Ralph Waldo Ellison moved to California to run, in case you haven't heard or if you haven't read every word of my blog. Fresh Brush Scrubbing Bubbles T-Bowl Cleaner sold separately.

Ralph Is A Geezer!!!! Now Old People From the Past Love Him!

2006-12-02T16:56:00.000-08:00

This is Lola giving a "bark-out" to Ralph who has turned 119 in people years (17 x 7) and is now officially a geezer.

In Recognition of the show, "10 Items or Less"

2006-12-01T21:48:00.000-08:00

Ralph's Grocery Store will limit all customers to 10 (TEN) items or less. In case you can't count to TEN, we're providing the handy guide to our shoppers (see chart at the left), or you can print it out on your home computer and bring it with you. Another handy service from Ralph at Ralphs.

Bite "Kramer" in the ASS!

2006-11-24T17:38:00.000-08:00

"Those Little Yippy Dogs" is what Michael Richards called us last week at a L.A. comedy club. THE NERVE! Then when I heard what he said to some Black members of the audience, I had to put out the call from Chihuahua Heaven to all the canines down on earth. The message is simply: IF YOU SEE THIS GUY, BITE HIM ON THE ASS AND SEE HOW MUCH HE LIKES IT.

Hilary Duff names her Chihuahua Lola...

2006-11-19T18:18:00.000-08:00

after me, of course! NOT!!! What's up with everybody with a Chihuahua naming it Lola? I'll have to sic (sp.?) Lil' Ricky, Esq. (see previous post) on these "no-original-thought-having" celebrities. Lola is MY NAME, so don't wear it out!!!! Earthling human people, what about names like "Rumer," "Madison," "Geisha?" Or "Beyonce?" Or "Lil' Bow Wow" or "Snoop Dogg?"

Lola to Sue Borat MoviePictureFilm Human Persons

2006-11-18T22:23:00.000-08:00

Lola's Lawyer, "Lil' Ricky," pictured at right, shows his exasperation about that Borat situation. It turns out that the film includes footage of the famous Khasakstani (sp.?) mountain Chihuahuas who aren't mentioned in the credits, nor have they received any renumeration. "Lola is considering organizing a boycott of Borat when it opens in Mexico in January," according to Lil' Ricky who adds that now a bunch of human people are on the lawsuit bandwagon, but she filed first.

Wake T-Bones Up When...

2006-11-12T22:27:00.000-08:00

there's no 2008 presidential candidate named Ralph, Hillary or Obama.

Insane Clown Posse Offers Interior Design Help to George W.

2006-11-09T14:15:00.000-08:00

The Insane Clown Posse has offered to decorate George W.'s office at no charge! His remark about Nancy Pelosi's opportunity to choose new drapes for HER NEW OFFICE was only thinly-veiled "playa-hatin' . "And when we heard him say, 'this isn't my first time at the Rodeo,' well, everybody knows G.W.'s favorite part is the clowns," stated an ICP representative.

Fashion News

2006-11-06T15:27:00.000-08:00

You read it here first! The latest fashion trend is the combo, "Ugly Betty meets Frida Kahlo."

Detroit Automakers Want Dogs to Drive

2006-11-06T15:10:00.000-08:00

In response to lagging car sales and worker layoffs, Detroit automakers are looking to teach dogs to drive. This is breaking news you will only get at The Lola Letter, in case you're wondering why you're not reading this anywhere else.

I, Lolita Chiquita Margarita TREE, have been listening in on some top-secret conversations (thanks to Vonage) and the thinking is that dog lovers are so enamoured with their pets that they would buy them a car, if only dogs could drive. This is going to be a new market segment with unlimited "paw-tential."

Adopt Us!!!

2006-11-06T14:29:00.000-08:00

Ralph and T-Bones report that they are seeing more and more Hollywoodites dressing up in children's garb. They didn't know what to make of this trend until they met up with "Tweedledee" and "Tweedledum." "Every morning we go out and stand on Hollywood Boulevard to get the attention of multi-millionaire stars looking to adopt children," Tweedledee explains. "Our rent just went up by 25%. Why not try to get adopted? As you can see, we're cute and we've got our Depends on."

Tweedledum adds, "I think someone like a Lindsay Lohan or a Snoop Dogg who obviously need some positive press should step up to the plate. It's a win-win."

Fashion / Sense

2006-11-05T22:49:00.000-08:00

It's not cool to be cool when it's cold outside.

21 Years of the Lola Letter

2006-11-05T13:15:00.000-08:00

It's pretty amazing, isn't it? Back in 1985 when the first Lola Letter was published, it was a cut and paste operation and my little paws were gluing down pieces of typewritten copy onto paper and then making xeroxes (I had to climb up a stepladder so I could push the buttons on the machine).

Today, I have the power of the internet at my pawtips. And it's a beautiful thing.

Let's see...the topics of the first newsletter were: Halloween (I was sequestered in the back bedroom, but my loud barking put the kibosh on that!), my "Block Boss of 2100 N. Kenmore Ave." award, my top fashion picks, my top treats, and the announcement of the formation of the Lola Mae Fan Club, due to extremely popular demand.

Madonna

2006-11-05T12:31:00.000-08:00

These glasses aren't just for show. I can see what's going on down on earth and I notice that Madonna is in the process of adopting a little human person. So I thought it only appropriate to reissue an article from The Lola Letter archives of 1996. And here it is:
"Hey, Madonna! What's up with you and your Chihuahua, Chiquita??? Everybody in Chihuahua Heaven is talking about how you've got poor Chiquita in a trick bag now that you're a mom. Been putting Chiquita's business all out in the street, talking about how she's peeing and pooping all the house, supposedly because she's jealous. Have you no shame?"

"On top of everything else, word is that Chiquita is going to see a pet psychiatrist. Puhleeeezze...what do human people know about the inner feelings and complexities of the Chihuahua mind? You probably think human baby poop is cute. Meanwhile your faithful, cute, intelligent, vigilant watchdog and lapwarmer has been kicked to the curb. And the curbs are really high in New York City."

"Give Chiquita a chance! Chihuahuas need love, too."

Pterodactyl "T" Bones Loves L.A.

2006-11-04T18:31:00.000-08:00

OOOOOOOOOOH! Hey Girlfriends and associated others!!! I'm lovin' L.A. It is the craziest, cool place for a girlfriend such as myself. They have dog parks here that rival anywhere else I've visited. When they say "dog park," it ain't no patch of asphalt or lakefront area the size of a postage stamp, it's a major piece of property. I swear to Lola in Chi heaven, there were over 60 dogs in Laurel Canyon Park this morning and we had room for 60+ more.

It's like living in Weimaraner Heaven (so Lola, you'll have to come visit!). Given your love for Margaritas, the West Hollywood crowd seem to possess the same intense fondness for the libation.

Smell you later, T-Bones

HIP? or HAS BEEN?

2006-11-04T18:06:00.001-08:00

Here's the deal, human people:
I've updated my official HIP AND HAS BEEN LIST and it goes like this:

HIP: Chihuahuas
HAS BEEN: Children

HIP: Dogs
HAS BEEN: Frogs

HIP: Carnivores
HAS BEEN: Vegans

HIP: Staying at Home
HAS BEEN: Going to work

HIP: Barking Whenever You Want To
HAS BEEN: Conversation

HIP: Fur
HAS BEEN: Fabric

HIP: Claws
HAS BEEN: Lee PressOn Nails

HIP: Lola Runs the World
HAS BEEN: Elections

Ralph Has Moved to Los Angeles to Run "Ralph's"

2006-11-04T17:44:00.000-08:00

Some of you have heard the news. Ralph Waldo Ellison (pictured at left) has been tapped by Ralph's to run the whole $60.6 billion dollar (2005 figures) enterprise comprised of some 2,477 grocery stores in 31 states. This new position necessitated his relocation to the Los Angeles area, West Hollywood to be exact. He might as well consider the possibility of film roles, after all.

The Ralph's Grocery Store executives were impressed when lo and behold, Ralph saw a pair of slippers in the seasonal products aisle and inspected the lining by inserting his total body totally inside. "Our buyers just usually look at the exterior of products and don't take the extra step to 'get into' the product at such an up close and personal level. We knew that Ralph Waldo possessed something extraordinary--a nose for business."

Ralph Waldo responds, " I like the name "Ralph."